hello!
silence is golden isn’t it?
Have you ever visited www.futureme.org ?
It is one of the most fascinating places you can possibly visit, to see into the depths of individuals’ souls.
In summary, it is a place where you can email yourself in the future, by one, two, 20 years.
So what you find is a plethora of emails written by people, to themselves. Asking questions, speculating, advising.
There is an odd thing about objectivity, and most people can be that, contrary to popular opinion, but just not to anyone else except themselves. To read about angst-ridden teenagers tell the truth about how they love their parents and even their younger siblings, or the mistress who asks herself, one year into the future, whether the guy who left his wife for her, has done the thing to her. It’s fascinating.
But the interesting thing, or perhaps not so interesting thing, is the hope that people have for their futures. Constant repetitions of the phrases: “I hope you did something with your life”, or “did you study for those exams” or, “did you marry her in the end?” There is this vast chasm of hope which lies within each of us.
What is sad about that hope is that, while when you read these emails you somehow wish you could grasp at that anonymous person and ask how things turned out in the end, deep down, the cynicism that exists through and through in this world tells you that all those hopes and dreams probably didn’t come to past at all. That they’re probably stuck in that dead end job, or didn’t study for those exams (if they did they wouldn’t be on futureme.org probably), or probably never got back together with the boy who broke their heart.
But people can hope. We all hope. Against all things. We hope.
Do you ever get to the point where when you enjoy something so much you must either a) compete to improve or b) make money out of it, to keep yourself going?
I look back on my past and when there is no incentive for either option a) or b) I lose my motivation. Is it a basic human drive? For myself I think that for a) it’s just a matter of being better than everyone else and for b) if I am that good, I should get paid.
Another thing I do is that when I realize that the competition is just too strong, I also lose motivation. So if the end is nowhere in sight, or if victory is just not feasible, or if I really just don’t think the means justify the end (i.e. victory) I drop it.
It’s rather sad in a way. And I think I’m not the only one, at least I hope not. I think it’s a terrible oversight on my side, that I can’t just do something for enjoyment. Like, I would not play tennis on a regular basis if I sucked and people just wiped my ass around the court. Or, I would not attend art class if my drawing was just awful.
But some people do, and they enjoy the activity. And I suppose that is the point, right?
I think I have self-esteem issues.
I came across a post on a blog of a 14 year old (don’t ask me why or how or what I am doing reading the blog of a 14 year old)
I paraphrase it as follows:
I’m only 14 but yet I have problems like mountains and thoughts as wide as the oceans. I just need time to think. Seriously. I wish time would just stop. stop. stop. stop. stop.
As an objective, mature, sensible mature working adult, my, and probably any of my peers’, first thought was “Yeah, whatever, just wait until you start working and have blah blah blah”
But yet, when I was 15 I thought I had mountains of problems too. I had this and that and exams and likes and dislikes and independence and self esteem issues etc. etc.
Yet, I’m pretty sure that in ten to twenty to thirty years from now, I will hear some twenty something year olds talking about the ways of the working world and how they’re struggling with this and that and I will scoff to myself through my wonderfully aged crows feet ridden eyes and think the same thing, that these young people know nothing.
Subjectivity is an odd thing. I think we all know it, but we choose to ignore it, because self pity is really the greatest joy. Its what we want to thrive on. It’s the notion that no one knows what I am going through. No one knows me. I am special. I am unique. No one is like me. Me.
But in actuality, in reality, it couldn’t be less true. We’re all the same. Driven by the same things. Eat the same things. Want love. Want recognition. Want money. Want beliefs.
We’re all subjective. We’re all the same.
And I think I came up with that all by myself.
And in the distance a fifty year old man scoffs “Naïve. Hah.”
“Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want.”
I heard this song the other day and for some reason I really liked the lyrics, though you won’t catch me singing it, I hope.
Then I watched the mtv, and I liked it even more (and no, not just because of Beyonce in the changing room) but because really, generally, I think globally that men just seem to suck in general. I -know- the whole pained-female-waiting-for-her-man is such a stereotype, but yet I believe it to be so pointedly true. I know too many good women, and too many nonsensical men (add optionally: who take them for granted). But it’s not really just that, there are a million other songs with this theme, but the style in which Beyonce performed this song really goes down well.
But yet, having said that I know a lot of annoying stupid women too (just fewer).
I took a photo of a group of people using someone’s compact camera.
The light in the room was awful (orange like a papaya on steroids) and camera flash casts a white light, so the end result was really weird since everyone was a hue of natural white in front with orange fringes.
I looked at the screen of the camera and said ‘It looks weird’.
The owner of the camera took her beloved gadget back stared at the screen and said ‘you shook’
I smiled politely at her and said. ‘No, I didn’t’.
I took the camera back and zoomed in to look at the details of the oddly hued characters in the camera screen of this compact camera that has a weak flash in this bad light. Nope, really, I didn’t.
‘No you did’ she replied again. I noted she didn’t even try zooming in to confirm this fact. ‘Nevermind,’ she sighed, and walked away as if I was a 10-year old. The icing was she muttered audibly to friends who asked if everything was okay ‘what to do, he shook.’
I take it personally because if you were a guest chef at someone’s house and all they had was salt in the cabinet and chicken in the fridge and you served it to them and then they said ‘there’s too much salsa in this chicken’, you would think they were stupid too.
First wedding of the year. Here are just a few of the shots.
I sometimes look at this shot of the bride through the car window and wonder about it, but the more I look at it, the more I like it. I know it’s not totally in focus, but the look on the bride’s face, the motion. I think it has character…
Grandfather taking candid shots…
This photo wasn’t posed! She really did turn and glance lovingly (I’m assuming) at her groom strolling down the ballroom reception
If you looked up in the sky, what would you want to see?
What would you like to eat at 4:15pm today?
You and I said
theroo, jb
happyjz, theroo, happyjz
jb
theroo, vinnythemarv, jb, jo
theroo, happyjz
theroo, jb, theroo, bao, jo